I've deleted this post over 4 times so I don't really think I want to write but...

Moms called. didn't answer. didn't have my ringer on...matter of fact several people called. christina's in the hospital, gallstones again. it's a routine 2 part surgery; first they remove the stones, then the gallbladder. She's going to be okay, I've been assured of this. But her...she has some understanding to do.

This is the first and last convo I will have about this on my blog...just gotta get it out I guess. I don't have the daddy issues, didn't know him to long enough to have them. "pops died, didn't cry, didn't know him that well" but moms was always there, not in that clair huxtable, brady bunch, loving moms sort of way. She was there in a way which made love hard to learn. Eventually I learned to love...but not from her. Learned to trust...but not from her. Learned self esteem...but not from her. I would love to say that my mom and I are tighter than bush and bin ladin, but that would be a wack nigga quote, and that's just not me. I spent years blaming her for my unhappiness but as common says "I couldn't play the hood forever" I had to take responsibility and accountability of my own actions in order to truly love/live MY life to the fullest.

So why do I constantly get upset at things she does? Because it hurts when you want someone to love them self as much as you love them. You see potential in someone even when they can't see it themselves. You value life but you know that it has an unexpected expiration date. You know that heaven is real, but hell is too. You know the wages of sin is death...that's it. I want a mom that I can have late night conversations with, seek the advise of, say "I love you" and not get an awkward look afterwards, but I don't...at least right now. I'm ready for a relationship with you, but more importantly I want you to have a relationship with God like no other. You aren't getting any younger, your health is fading, troubles have burdened you, Katrina has moved you, but not closer to God. Give up the flesh cause it's weak. Give up the flesh because, after all, it's not yours to begin with. Give up the flesh because the spirit is seeking to have a conversation with your soul. Turn up the ringer and answer...God is calling for you.